Gooey eyes. I found them the most intriguing little things. A friend brought one to me while I was at work. I was sitting there on the stool in the little cubbyhole that my employer calls a shop, where I was cobbling shoes when my coworker and best friend Gale stopped by. She was playing with one as she was walking in and threw it at me.

"This thing is so awesome," I said as I peeled it off my shirt. It now had hints of cotton lint on its pupil. "Where did you get it?"

"Natural Wonders at the mall," she responded. "They had them on clearance for twenty-five cents each." She recommenced her constant giggle that many people find annoying, but I find brightening.

I rummaged through a few cubbyholes until I found her oxfords. I tore them out of their protective bag and laid them on the counter in front of her. She picked them up and examined the full soles and heels I had done two days before.

"Wow! They look like new." I began to grin. The deep tan of the fresh leather soles posed themselves impressively. She continued to examine the shoes. "Wait. Look here." She pointed to the sides of the shoes. "You gouged out the leather from the side of the shoe. That looks horrible."

I was thinking, What does it matter? Who has eyes on the ground? But I couldn't relay my thoughts to the customer. "What would you like to be done?" I hoped that question would put her at ease by making her feel that she is not being disregarded.

"I'm not paying for these. I am holding you responsible for them!" She starting pointing her index finger at me as her voice ejaculated. "You're going to buy these shoes!"

"And how is that? They were fine when I dropped them off." Feeling that I was placing the blame on her, she was becoming even more enraged.

"You could have chosen not to deal with them," I explained. "You choose not to commit suicide here and now, hence you accept their existence into your life. You are already accepting them. You are responsible for them."

She stared blankly at the wall. "Hmm. I guess you're right. I am responsible for them. I'm sorry that I got angry at you." Her smile returned. "How much was that again?"

"No, only a few. The place was packed, too." Gale clearly had no clue just what these gooey eyes had come to mean to me in just these past few minutes.

"Fuck! I've gotta’ go get some." I plastered the sweetest smile on my face. "Gale, dear, you know how much I love you. Will you please take over for me for a few hours?" I batted my eyelashes to add to my docility.

Gale opened the register to pick up her paycheck that was under the drawer. She grabbed her check, dropped the cash drawer back into the register, and zipped up her Triple Fat Goose. "As much as I like spending time with you, I would rather not be at work on my day off. Keep the gooey eye. ‘See ya later." I followed her with my eye as she strolled through the "out" doors.

I sat there pondering how I could leave work. If I were to just leave, I would probably get fired. I knew that my mind was not creative enough to come up with a good excuse, and lying was not my saving grace. So I sat there until I had to close at 8:00. It was Sunday, so the mall was closed by then. Shit.

I barely slept that night. All I could think was that I need more gooey eyes. Hundreds upon hundreds of gooey eyes. I would be in ecstasy. Gooey eyes everywhere. It became an obsession. I had to have gooey eyes.

I was at the mall before the store opened. The mall was dead, save for a few old lady mall walkers. I stood in front of Natural Wonders, just staring into the dark store protected by the mesh fence pulled down every night. My gooey eyes lay just beyond the fence, and all I could think was how close I was to them, yet so far. The fence presented a border. Anxiety was where I was, and the bliss I would feel from the gooey eyes laid just beyond the border.

My heart was pounding until the Natural Wonders employees removed the gate. I rushed in only to find an empty tray with a handwritten sign on marker board reading "Clearance/Gooey Eyes/.25¢" I couldn't believe it. They were selling them for a quarter of a cent, and now they were out. Damn them! I meandered my way to the cashier. My lack of sleep was starting to take its toll.

"Hi. I am looking for gooey eyes." I could barely get the words out. "I see that the tray for the gooey eyes is empty. Do you happen to have any more in the back?"

"I don't know. I’ll check." He strolled his way to the back of the store, and disappeared beyond the back door. Every second I waited struck me like an eternity. I felt like I was awaiting the results of an HIV test.

He came back smiling. I thought I sensed good news. "No. I am sorry. We are all out. Apparently the manufacturer has discontinued making them."

"Yeah. So we were clearing the last few out yesterday. We are replacing them with gummy rats." Gummy rats? Gummy rats? He had just added insult to injury.

I stormed out of the store without speaking another word. I bolted to my car and sped home. I knew where I could get them. The Internet. I could get anything over the Internet.

My father refused to give up the computer. He was playing solitaire. He plays solitaire about twenty times a day. He has gotten very good at it, but it accomplishes nothing. He spends so much of his free time, when he could be productive doing something like looking for gooey eyes. But no! The moron just plays solitaire. He prides himself on his high score and low time, but it in no way helps anyone or anything. It’s Sisyphean. He finishes, the cards disappear from the screen, and a dialogue box asking if he wants to play again appears. Yet he somehow finds meaning in this.

I finally pushed my father aside as he attempted to play solitaire. I logged onto America Online. I searched and searched. Yahoo! Altavista. Excite. Infoseek. Lycos. All I could find was one store that said they had them, and they were located in Peoria. No phone number. No email address. Only a street address.

I immediately got logged onto Map Quest and calculated my driving directions. It would take me about eight hours to get there. I would arrive at about eight in the evening. They would probably be closed by then, but I had to find out.

I ran to my car and hopped in. Before getting on the expressway, I stopped off at an Amico station. It was out in the boonies. There were trees and shrubs all around. Right as I was finishing putting the nozzle back in it’s place, I head some movement from the bushes and some heavy breathing. I ignored it. So I went on and paid for my gas. Walking out, I heard some panting and a male voice yelling, "I’m Bobby Fisher! I’m Bobby Fisher!" Ordinarily I would go to investigate. He may have been yelling that because he was in trouble, but I decided to ignore his cries for help. I needed my gooey eyes more than he could have needed someone to know his name.

I drive with a quest. My mind could only focus on the gooey eyes. I kept the gooey eye Gale gave me in my pocket. It had developed so much sentimental value by now. I named it Occhino. It was a small piece of the heaven that I could find only at this store. Gags and Gifts held my nirvana, most likely unwittingly.

I stopped off a few times to refuel. I arrived at about 7:30, only to find that Gags and Gifts closed at 6:00 and wouldn’t reopen until 8:00 the next morning. How could they do this to me?

I checked into a Super 8 Motel. As I laid in bed, I found I was thinking a bit more rationally now. What do gooey eyes really mean to me? What does any material possession mean to me? My life could go on without the gooey eyes, but not nearly as comfortably. I had one, but I knew it was too few for me to be totally comfortable with. So I put in extra effort to get more. Would I be content with what I would get from Gags and Gifts? Or will possessing that amount make me desire more? Will it end with just gooey eyes? Could the gooey eyes bring me the fame and wealth I desire so much? Asking myself all these questions just made me more stir crazy.

I had to leave. I had to do something. By that time, I was starting to feel very tired, and powerfully hungry. I hadn’t eaten since the preceding day.

I drive until I found a diner. Walked into the place and sat down on a bar stool at the counter. A middle-aged man in a wool coat and a carpet above his upper lip sat down next to me.

I felt a bit embarrassed to tell him. "Umm... I drove here from Detroit to find gooey eyes. They've been discontinued. The only place I could find them was on at Gags and Gifts down the street. Their web page said they had them."

"I love them. I live for them. My life is not complete without them! They are what give my life meaning." I felt like I was making myself look like an idiot. I hadn't realized before just how ridiculous I would sound saying this. I know it is absurd, but my emotions are so overwhelming to seek out these gooey eyes.

"Ahr you mad?" He began to raise his voice in ridicule. "OK. Seence gooey eyes are vaht gives your life meaning, how would you feel if a deity came to you and told you dat you would be living your life ofer again unt again for all eternity? Vood you be greatly stressed? Oder vood you give praise to dee deity?"

"Listen. I never think emotionally. I always think rationally." Even when I said it I knew I was lying. Or was I just indenial? "My life has true meaning. I have a quest to find gooey eyes. That is what makes my life worth living." I stormed out of the diner. I had no desire to speak with any rationalist philosopher. He made me loose my appetite.

Sam Donaldson came on. "Detroit police are investigating a death today. A bizarre suicide letter left by the victim reads, 'My cobbler was right. I had never before realized before that I was responsible for my husband's shoes being messed up or all the miseries of the world. I cannot live with such extreme responsibility. So instead of having all that hanging over my head, I choose to give up the responsibility, and end my life. Nihil is a far better option.'

"Investigators believe the alleged cobbler was a David Kaye of Clinton Township, MI. Whether or not charges will be pressed against the alleged cobbler has not been determined at this time.... Researchers at the University of the Witwatersrand in Johannesburg today believe they have found the earliest complete skeleton of an ancestor of modern humans..." I turned off the TV and fell asleep immediately.

I awoke the next morning at 6:00. Gags and Gifts wouldn't be open until 8:00, so I decided to go back to that diner to attempt to eat again.

"Yeah. I’d like two eggs scrabbled with a side of toast." I was the only customer in the greasy spoon. She seemed nice enough, but I still had an overwhelming sense of anxiety. I tried to waste time reading the newspaper at the diner but I was in agony.

Eternities passed until it was a quarter to eight. I drove to Gags and Gifts, and waited until they opened their doors at 8:00. The elderly woman I assumed was the manager greeted me as I walked in. I searched the store and found no gooey eyes.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. All this time I spent tracking them down and they didn't even carry them. I was failing to keep my composure. "But your web site says you have them."

In vain! In vain! Misinformation negated my efforts and hence my raison d’etre was a lie. With this, I found death favorable to life, and ran to the express way only a few blocks away and threw myself off the overpass.