A Sermon on Masturbation

Good morning. Today's reading from the scriptures recanted the holocaust of Onan, whom the Lord had slain for masturbation. While the issue is rarely mentioned, which is most healthy, masturbation has spread across Jesus’ Land like wildfire. The affliction is practiced by a devastatingly large percentage of the population, and harms everyone. For those of you guilty of the sin, have faith. The love of Jesus can help you. You can be cured.

Self-control is key. First, never touch the intimate parts of your body except for cleaning. Second, avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good, Christian company and stay in that company. If you have friends who also masturbate, you must break off their friendship. Do not think the two of you can overcome masturbation together. It won't happen. Being in their presence will keep those thoughts in your mind. You must clear your mind of those vile thoughts and replace them with wholesome ones. Read the scriptures often. Pray. But don't pray about the problem. Pray for friends, family, yourself, and Jesus’ love.

When the temptation to masturbate is overwhelming, Yell, "STOP!" as loudly as you can, and then recite a prechosen scripture. If your biggest problem is in bed, spend as little time there as possible. If you can't sleep at night, get out of bed, go into the kitchen, and make yourself a snack. When you wake up in the morning, get out of bed immediately. I some severe cases, it may be necessary to tie one or both hands to the bed post. Do anything you can to keep from masturbating. Keep your faith in Jesus. You and Jesus’ love can overcome Satan's power. May the Lord bless you and keep you. Amen.